Pro-gravity.

We're fresh out of duct tape, man. All gone. And no, I don't have any large magnets. That wouldn't work anyway - the floors aren't made of metal, fool. Geez.

Yeah, I'm getting asked a bunch of dumb-ass questions by my house-mates, bandmates, mill-mates, etc. again. Everybody's all worked up about our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee and his latest raft of experiments. (Why he keeps them on a raft, I cannot say.) Mitch has been working on selectively negating gravitation, which really should be impossible ... I mean, we all wish it was impossible, but apparently it's not. Naturally, his experimental subject was the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, Big Green's longtime squathouse, and a place where gravity has always reigned supreme ... until now.

Now, most people have a sense of how gravity works, but for those of you unfamiliar with the ways of this mysterious unseen power, here's a primer: it holds you down. That's it. When people talk about being held down in life, they're talking about gravity. When Bruce Springsteen sings "I'm goin' down, down, down, down," he's singing about gravity. When some politician is making a speech, imploring his audience to understand the gravity of a given situation, that politician is ... well ... you get where I'm going with that. How does it work? That's complicated. Einstein had his ideas about this. More recent work has detected gravitational waves. My personal view is that there is a enormous horseshoe magnet buried deep in the earth. Next time we do a subterranean tour, I'm going to check that theory out.

Right, so ... Mitch Macaphee has his own theories. And his theories usually lead to some nameless device that looks like a ham radio rig from the 1960s, with dials and meters and knobs and blinking lights. It makes a "woo-woo" sound. Sometimes he puts arms and legs on it and calls it Marvin (my personal robot assistant). Sometimes he throws a switch and things disappear ... or appear. This time around, he adjusted the right combination of buttons, switches, lanyards, etc., to suspend gravity in the hammer mill. An anti-gravity machine, as it were. And that means more than floating hammers, my friends. Suffice to say, I haven't had to use the stairs all week. If this keeps up, we may be battling obesity before long.

Thing is, most of us are pro-gravity. Hence the search for duct tape, glue, velcro, etc. Or maybe we should just pull the plug on Mitch's gizmo. Worth a go, right?