Secret Satan. (I mean, Santa.)

Hmmm, let me see. Nicely wrapped. Let's see what's inside. Okay ... huh. An empty bubble pack that used to contain a ballpoint pen. Nice. So .... who amongst you could have known that that's something I've always wanted?

Oh, hi, everyone. Yeah, it's that time of year again, and Big Green is celebrating the holidays in the usual way. We put on a bunch of cheesy records. We make a little extra rice and mustard greens. And then there's the Secret Santa exchange of gifts, which we do in the traditional way ... one gift at a time, and the recipient tries to guess who the giver is. How exciting. Someone bring me my sodium bicarbonate. This could be a long night!

That's not to say that the holidays are any less problematic in our makeshift home than they are in everyone else's. There's a lot to look out for here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill - a lot going on beneath that cool, clammy exterior. For instance, if you're stringing the lights on the parapet, watch the icicle lamp string .... it's got a short in it. And we try not to put a tree out in the courtyard, because the mansized tuber tends to get attached to it. (No, I mean literally attached. Those roots are always growing.)

No clues!But really the greatest danger is having Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, pick your name out of the hat for Secret Santa. Christmas is his time to offload all of the failed experiments from the past year, and there are usually quite a few of them. You may end up unwrapping a package that contains a beaker of radioactive sludge or something that's ticking like a bomb. ("Hey, Mack ..." you'd say in your 1940s New York accent, "What the heck is this thing? It's ticking like a bomb!")

I don't like to mention this in mixed company, but the fact is that Marvin (my personal robot assistant) was a Secret Santa gift from Mitch. He was trying to build some form of pleasure vehicle, but something went badly wrong, so he put a makeshift head on it and called it "Marvin". Don't ask me how he got Marvin into that flat box. It's a bit like the Casper Mattress package - open it up and FLOP! Out comes Marvin.

Well, if I don't see you, have a great Christmas, tremendous holiday break, whatever floats your boat.

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