Friday, May 26, 2017

Words worth.

I'm still not sure this is a good idea. The memory of the last time we tried this still haunts me. And that Morlock with the sandals never answers my postcards. And yes, I've been dropping them down the hole. Jesus!

Okay, so someone, I won't say who (Mitch), thought it would be a great idea to do a second subterranean tour, since we now have the equivalent of a superhighway to the chewy nougat center of the Earth. Mitch plans to fashion some kind of urban gondola (very popular in small post-industrial cities these days) that will allow us to treat the mega-hole in our floor like a kind of futuristic cargo elevator. I don't remember where I heard this, but it seems like this mode of transportation might be problematic, to say the least, particularly when you're dealing with magma and other natural hazards.

Mitch isn't worried, of course. In his world, there's a mad scientific fix for everything. That must be a nice feeling. When stuff goes wrong for the rest of us, we have little to fall back on other than playing instruments and/or writing songs, and maybe playing a few rounds of mumbly peg. (That doesn't usually help, but it does give us something to strive for, since none of us knows how to play mumbly peg.) Everyone needs some kind of solution. For Marvin (my personal robot assistant), it's a seven percent solution of machine oil and antifreeze.

Yeah, that looks like a maybe.Why does songwriting help? Don't know, exactly. Ask Matt - he's more prolific than me by a mile. As I've said before, he comes up with songs while walking the length and breadth of his rural domain, composing them out loud like a latter-day Ewan MacTeagle. Me, I take forever to crank out a few lines. My muse is like an old, rusty typewriter with an even older ribbon, very parsimonious and begrudging of every line. Even so, if we do undertake this underground tour, we should have plenty of material that hasn't been heard down there before. Nothing the middle-Earth denizens hate more than old, recycled material.

So, yeah, we'll consider it. Though God only knows why.

Middle passage.

Trump was on the road this week, touching base with traditional allies, shaking his fist at traditional foes, making occasional awkward statements and non-sequiturs but generally doing what is expected of him as official high protector of the empire. Amazing how quickly even a low-intelligence loose cannon like "The Donald" will snap into place when there are longstanding economic and imperial ties in play.

At the helm of the Death Star. Who knew it was in Saudi Arabia?Much as he criticized Saudi Arabia during the primary campaign and even the general election, it was all smiles and bows and the dangling of manly swords when he arrived in Riyadh, not to mention threats against Iran and its embattled Shi'a allies in Lebanon, Bahrain, Yemen, Syria, and elsewhere. Then there's the humongous arms sale, allowing Saudi to continue the bloody Yemen adventure that Trump will not mention but can't stop funding with U.S. taxpayer dollars. (My money's being used inappropriately. Someone call Mick Mulvaney!)

I have to think that the institutional elites that most benefit from the imperial profit machine probably don't much mind Trump as a foreign policy president. His ignorance very likely is, in their eyes, his most positive attribute. The man knows nothing about any of the regions he is likely to visit as president. That means he can be steered into preferred policies by his aides. He is the proverbial empty vessel, even more so than George W. Bush was - at least Bush had some vague sense of his own objectives and a team of fanatical, experienced bureaucrats to fill the void between his ears. With Trump, there's none of that. He's truly at sea.

Empire abhors a vacuum, and so the absence of leadership is filled with the priorities of the forever-state. This is not a conspiracy theory - every empire that has lasted as long as ours has a structure of governance and self-perpetuation. It's that great self-driving car, running over people of color by the thousand in thirsty pursuit of the next filling station. That's why the pieces all fall into place, and the policy stays within certain boundaries, sometimes jiggling a little leftward, occasionally lurching to the right, but never crossing the line.

When I say "never", I mean other than that one time with Dubya Bush when his reckless war-making tested those limits and brought on the correction we saw in 2006 - one of the most amazing periods in recent history. I suspect Trump's correction will come from some other quarter, but I guess we will see.

luv u,


Friday, May 19, 2017


This place is a freaking mess. No, we still don't have garbage collection. You have to pay taxes to get that, Mitch, and we're off the grid - remember? Guess this lot will have to go down the tunnel to the center of the Earth. It's like having the world's biggest trash incinerator.

Oh, hi. As you can see, we are making the kind of obvious mistake that protagonists in science fiction movies make all the time - abusing mother nature just to solve some petty human problem, namely, generating too much trash. That goes on for the first couple of reels, then some ungodly creature emerges from the bowels of the Earth and goes on a murderous rampage stopped only by some unexpected intervention by germs or gravity or something - a turnaround that redeems the value of nature in the eyes of middle class moviegoers. Yeah, well ... we are asking for that.

The fact is, once there's a hole in the floor, you have an almost unstoppable urge just to keep dropping things into it. I think Marvin (my personal robot assistant) may have dropped some of our master tapes down into the memory hole. A true digital native like Marvin has no concept of tape recorded sound - God no! Music encoded onto a long ribbon of magnetic film? Impossible! Of course, he himself runs, in part, on vacuum tubes and toggle switches, so one might think he would have some empathy for users of retro Wait. You dropped it where??technologies. In any case, down the memory hole they go ... unless I left them in my other pants. Marvin? Have you seen my other pants?

Right, so ... that's not the only thing we've been up to. We're hip-deep in production for our next tranche of Ned Trek songs, about seven or eight of them by last count. This is why our podcast THIS IS BIG GREEN has become, well, kind of infrequent - too many musicals! In any case, we've amassed a backlog of about 60 Ned Trek songs thus far, seven of which are included in the podcast I just recently posted on - episode 24: Whom Gods Deploy, which originally appeared in our August 2015 TIBG podcast. So ... it hasn't all gone down the hole quite yet.

Peachfuzz bridge.

It is astonishing to see how astonished people are at the President's last couple of weeks. Reality check: we elected Donald Trump President of the United States. That's why this administration is unloading like a clown car at a funeral. There's no other way for me to put this: the man is a hyper-narcissistic dolt with the emotional maturity of a 7-year-old. He is temperamentally unfit for this or any political office. He has not even a vague understanding of the structure or traditions of our constitutional system, and has no interest in learning. Verily, he has little interest in anything other than large piles of money. When he told the Russian ambassador about the intel on ISIS , that was probably the first time that information had offered any utility from his perspective - he could use it to impress someone, at least. Otherwise, he has no interest in intelligence briefings and confines himself to a single page of bulleted items that he proceeds to ignore.

Captain PeachfuzzSo, what to do about this dolt? It's hard to imagine the GOP-led House taking up impeachment proceedings, even with this level of ludicrousness. Investigations can swirl around Trump and criminal accusations may mount, but basically the only process by which he can be removed from office is a political one, and that is a non-starter with regard to a caucus that sees him as a signing machine. I'm thinking the republicans in the House and Senate will use something like the Captain Peachfuzz approach with Trump.

How does that work? Simple. On Rocky and Bullwinkle, all Captain "Wrongway" Peachfuzz's crew needed to do was create a phony bridge, lead the captain into it, and then go about their normal duties. Captain Peachfuzz would be shouting commands, pulling levers, twisting knobs and the like, none of which were attached to anything. THAT'S what we need for Trump. Of course, we would have to avoid the problem that Peachfuzz's crew encountered when the crackpot captain wandered by mistake onto the real bridge one day and started driving the ship like the proverbial drunken sailor. Of course, that's what we have now, right?

Phony up a war room for the guy, people. Do it now before it's too late. Your nation will thank you.

luv u,


Friday, May 12, 2017

Dig it.

Well, if we needed storage space, it would be a good thing. Honest, Abe - where are you going to find enough junk to make it worthwhile? We can't even afford shoes, for chrissake.

Oh, hi. Yeah, I've been having a little conversation with Antimatter Lincoln about an idea he cooked up this week. Let me see if I can explain. With the help of Mitch Macaphee's Particle Beam Generator™, we now have a tunnel to the center of the Earth in our basement. The downside of that, of course, is that it has the potential to act as a volcanic vent, sending an ocean of magma up from the planet's chewy center and wreaking havoc on our entire community. (Also, it tends to whistle as the world turns.) What's the upside of having Earth's biggest hole? We're still working on that.

Antimatter Lincoln piped up with a suggestion that we put shelving units around the walls of the hole and use it to store nick knacks, junk, souvenirs, and sporting trophies. Capital idea, except that we don't have any of those things, particularly the trophies. Besides, when that thing blows its stack, it would burn our non-existent valuables to a cinder. And again, we live in an abandoned hammer mill. There's plenty of room for Antimatter Lincoln's imaginary possessions. The simple fact that they are imaginary - i.e., mental impressions only, not objects external to his fevered brain - suggests that he can have an infinite number of them and never have to worry about where to keep them all.

Fun!Right, so ... what to do with that hole. We did bring Marvin (my personal robot assistant) up from the flames of hell this past week, after having lowered him down the well on an impromptu reconnaissance mission. He had little to report, though apparently he saw openings in the tunnel walls that led to large caverns underground. It's possible that, for all his trouble, Mitch just built us a back door to Howe Caverns. I suppose NOW we'll be getting busloads of middle school kids parked out in front of the mill, waiting for a chance to take the underground boat ride or step on the quartz heart-shaped platform where some crazy-ass couples chose to have their weddings.

Ah, memories. If you have a good use for the world's biggest hole, just email them to us with the subject line: "World's Biggest Hole". We'll know just what you're talking about.

Dumpster fire.

Every time I see that standard shot of the White House on one of the major networks, I expect to see a plume of black smoke rising from an open window. This administration promised to be a major dumpster fire and it hasn't disappointed, the firing of FBI Director Comey this week (as he was requesting an expansion of the Trump Campaign/Russia probe) being just the latest flare-up. As predicted by some of the more observant commentators, the leaks began almost immediately - the New York Times, Washington Post, and Wall Street Journal all posted pieces that put the lie to the various hastily concocted stories flying out of the White House. If they're not hiding something very, very compromising, they're doing a tremendous imitation of it.

Trump, day 110.The thing about dumpster fires - or any trash-fueled conflagration, for that matter - is that they conceal as well as destroy. It's hard to ascribe intentionality to the Trump administration; they are without a doubt the dumbest box of rocks that ever rolled into the oval office, so the idea that they could cook up some massive deception campaign is kind of ludicrous. If they are not deliberately distracting people with their antics, they are certainly playing the role of the useful idiot. I'm not suggesting they're running interference for Russia or anything like that. What their ineptitude facilitates more than anything else is the steady progress of the broader GOP agenda - namely, massive tax cuts for the wealthy, dismantling of our rudimentary social safety net, scuttling the ACA, pulling down regulatory constraints on industry, and so on.

We face some major threats. One is that Trump will launch another war as a means of changing the conversation. Another is that a terror attack will flip the script, as it did in 2001, and we will be riding the revenge juggernaut to the end of the Earth, literally. But not least among these is the threat that the Republicans will get most if not all of what they're calling for. They already have Neil Gorsuch on the Supreme Court. Don't think the Senate won't pass some version of their draconian health care reform / tax cut. These are less dramatic outcomes, but no less destructive of our society.

Trump probably has extensive ties to Russian gangsters, just as he has with the domestic variety. It will likely come out eventually, but I warn you - don't be distracted from the real work that's going on in Congress right now.

luv u,


Friday, May 5, 2017

Cave in.

Marvin, can you hear me? Marvin? Damn ... that's just the echo of my own voice. I was wondering why Marvin would be calling out to himself. Marvin!?

Right, so ... I think we went a little too far with the archaeological dig, particularly once we got Mitch Macaphee, our mad science advisor, and Marvin (my personal robot assistant) involved. At first it was just a lark - we took a shovel to the floor of the Cheney Hammer Mill's sub-basement just to see what we could find. Turns out there's a lot of dirt down there. (Little known fact: the Earth is largely composed of dirt. I suspect that's why "earth" is a synonym of "dirt".) Sure, we turned up our share of lost quarters, belt buckles, tie clips and fossilized coelacanths, but that was about it.

Then Mitch decided to get involved, and of course, all hell broke loose. That is to say, he used one of his patented Particle Beam Generators™ to burn a hole through the Earth's crust, clear down to the molten nickel core, which (as you know from watching television) is in a perpetual state of raging ferment - hell fire from beneath the ground, shall we say. To understand why this may have happened, you have to understand the scientific mind. Once you get that, imagine a diseased version of that same mind and you will have some insight into Mitch's reasoning.

Say it twice!Well now, this didn't go over very well, but I suggested to Mitch that his Particle Beam Generator™ had essentially blown the entire archaeological enterprise by incinerating every stratum between the mill floor and the Earth's core; hence, a thousand potential discoveries may have been irretrievably lost. His answer was to devise a crane-like device and lower someone (not him!) down into the newly-bored hole to have a look at the top layers that had been exposed. How did we decide on Marvin? Well, there's that ten bucks I owe him ... and of course, he is much better qualified for the mission than I am. So sure, we put him in a harness and lowered him down into the hole, like he was on a fishing rod.

Anyone who has seen the movie Crack in the World can picture what comes next: A big flame comes out of the hole ten minutes after Marvin took the plunge. Radio silence thus far, but no worries: it's Marvin's nap time right about now, so he would tend to be unresponsive anyway.