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Friday, August 4, 2017

Loopy mofo.

You can't really expand it, Mitch. If you did, it would be too damn big for the tube. Then there's the drag coefficient ... you know, that thing you were telling me about yesterday, what the fuck .... WHY CAN'T WE JUST WORK ON MUSIC?

Sheesh. Back again, here at the Cheney Hammer Mill, with our mad science advisor Mitch Macaphee working on yet another crackpot scheme to make us all RICH while carrying us place to place more efficiently and, I don't know, churning out mounds and mounds of cole slaw. Last week it was the Bigelow Expandable Activity Module - that patented modular space station component that Mitch was obsessing over. Now he's focused like a particle beam on Hyperloop technology, the brain child of entrepreneur/inventor Elon Musk, a man Mitch loathes, envies, and idolizes all at the same time. (He's got mood issues, frankly.)

What is Hyperloop? Well ... the best I can describe it is as follows. If you're of a certain age (and I most certainly am) you may remember a time when the local multi-story department store (in Utica, it was the Boston store) had an advanced method for getting money and paperwork from one part of the store to another. They had these funky vacuum tubes running everywhere; the clerk would take your five dollar bill, put it into a little capsule, stick it into the tube and it would go 'round and 'round until it reached accounting or wherever, then come back filled with change. It's kind of like that thing in the bank drive-through, except more primitive. Got it? Well, take that thing, make it bigger, and put people in it instead of money, and you've got Hyperloop.

Just like the Boston Store change thingy.Mitch's brainstorm of the week, aside from self-marinating beets (still in development, so don't get excited), involves Hyperloop conveyances and our hole to the center of the Earth. I think he's all excited about this because we just spent weeks trying to figure out how to fashion an air-tight elevator or tram car that would suffice for navigating through the mantle and down to the chewy nougat core. Now he's discovered that Hyperloop has done all that work for him! All he has to do is pirate it, stick it in the hole, and down we go at 700 miles per hour!

I don't know about you, but I'm excited, though not half as much as Marvin (my personal robot assistant), who will likely be the test pilot. Oh yes, Marvin ... I'm looking at you, man.

Another one.

I'm not going to spend a lot of column space on the foibles of the Trump White House, entertaining as they may be. You've heard it all, right? Everything about Scaramucci, Priebus, and whoever the fuck. Hey, we elected a clown-car cartoon character president - we should expect this. What's really much more disturbing is what they've been up to behind the screen of all this palace intrigue. Some of it is fairly clear, like the disingenuous attack on the Affordable Care Act and Medicaid (i.e. Trump's repeated promises that the new bill would be better, that everyone would be covered, and that premiums and co-payments would be low). Some is not so obvious, and the devil in this administration is truly in those details.

Mr. WonderfulTake the Sessions Justice Department (please). Reporting this week has indicated that they are redirecting the Civil Rights Division to look into cases of reverse discrimination in college admissions. They are denying it up and down, but it would in no way be out of character for Beauregard and his new Civil Rights Division chief, John Gore, who was part of a law firm defending North Carolina's recent "bathroom bill" anti-LGBTQ legislation as well as working for increased ballot access restrictions. I think it's obvious that any agency or division in the Executive branch not currently headed by someone who opposes its core mission is on borrowed time.

Foreign affairs is a mess, of course. Trump has expressed interest in the mineral wealth of Afghanistan, raising the specter of an even further resource-fueled extension of our pointless war in that unfortunate country. Meanwhile, Iran and North Korea are both on notice again, the Trump team trying its best to ratchet up the tension in the powder keg that is the Korean peninsula while setting the United States on a course to war with Tehran. Just what we need: too more pointless, avoidable wars. (Trump felt it necessary to do the typical fake bombing runs over Korea as well as test one of our massive arsenal of ICBMs.) It should come as a surprise to no one that a foreign policy left mostly to the generals will tilt toward warfare.

Okay, I haven't covered much, but there will be plenty of time to go into all that is left (I hope). As horrendous as all this sounds, it's really just been another week of the Trump administration .... which actually sounds even more horrendous, particularly with 3-1/2 years to go. Fuck me - this is awful.

luv u,
jp