Hammer Mill Days

Hey, what can I tell you? I didn't intend to piss him off, guys. Not my intention at all. Nor was it my intention to destroy the planet Jupiter. Furthest thing from my mind. Oh, hi. Just caught me in the middle of a little band meeting. (Bret? Here . Jermaine? Here . Murray? Here .) I'm being raked over the coals by my fellow Big Green members and our various hangers on - Mitch Macaphee (our mad science adviser), Lincoln, anti-Lincoln, Marvin (my personal robot assistant), the man-sized tuber... even Big Zamboola has chimed in. What's the "issue", as they say? Oh, hell... it's about our perennial sit-in guitarist from the planet Zenon, sFshzenKlyrn . He's been a house guest here at the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill for the past week or so. That is to say, he was our guest, up until he departed yesterday in a bit of a Zenite huff. (How do I know? His radioactive vapor trail was tinged orange around the edges. Sure sign.) So, why the hurried departure? Was ...

Now, I try not to rant too hard on Krauthammer, but he's leaving me no choice. A couple of weeks ago it was the oil spill in the Gulf. That was the fault of environmentalists, by the way. (You didn't know there were environmentalists working at B.P. or in the Minerals Management Service, did you?) Krauthammer's argument on that score was essentially, shit happens - oil drilling is risky, get used to it. Moreover, those pesky greens made the government prohibit "safe" drilling on land and in remote places like the Alaska Wildlife Reserve, forcing those poor oil companies far out to sea and into deep water drilling in the Gulf. They couldn't help it - the greens made them do it! How else are they going to make piles of money other than by weaseling their way around our porous minerals management regulations and knowingly putting the entire southern coastline of the United States at risk? Oh, the awesome power of environmentalists! How the government and the o...