Hammer down.

Aw, tubey... what do you want to go and do that for? Put it down, tubey... put it down. Owwww! Not there — that's my freaking skull, you cruciferous moron!


Ah, yes... there you are. Welcome. As you can see by the banner head (oh, say, can you see the banner head?), your belov'd "Notes from Sri Lanka" has been re-christened (or more properly speaking, re-agnosticized) "Hammer Mill Days" — just one component in our year-long rebranding project. Ahem... did I just say that? Can't have been me. I must have been channeling our publicist from Loathsome Prick records — the one who keeps insisting that we re-brand ourselves as some kind of contemporary country or aging emo band (yuk!). Fucker put one of those Bluetooth antennae in my head while I was sleeping, so every once in a while I pop out with his latest PR drivel.


Just to keep you straight on who's saying what, I'll just put all the publicist's words in some other color... like maroon, say. Maroon is so last year! Yeah, that will work nicely.


All right, now that I've dealt with him, let's get back to you. You may be wondering, What the fuck are they doing now? Why change the name at this advanced stage of pointlessness? Well, with the help of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) and the man sized tuber (who won't put that hammer down), your friends in Big Green have prepared the following brief Q&A:



Q: What the fuck are you doing now?


A: Specifically, scratching my left earlobe. But more to the point, we're changing the name of this blog to better serve you, our valued customers... or not, depending on who you trust. (Jesus, that's annoying!) Actually, the truth is that we've gotten tired of explaining how Sri Lanka is not so much the place where we live (which, of course, it isn't) as it was a clumsy attempt to make reference to our state of near-total obscurity as a band. Turns out a lot more of our readers/listeners know all about Sri Lanka than we gave them credit for. So we've settled on something more suitably obscure — an abandoned hammer mill in the middle of nowhere. That's the ticket.


Q: Why "Hammer Mill Days" and not "Nut Butter Alley" or "Reflective Blister Times?"


A: Excellent question, Marvin. It's all about branding, you see. No, no... Don't listen to that asshole! It's because the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill is the locus of all that is Big Green. And because "Nut Butter Alley" was already taken. (That other one, I'm not even going to comment on.)


Q: Why do you suck so bad?


A: Loaded question, but fair. I guess it's because you say so, tubey. (He's just pissed off because I haven't watered him yet today.)



So anyway... there you have it. Big new name, same poor quality. Everything you expect out of your favorite Big Green blog... and more. We've even set up a mirror site at Blogspot so that you can check out our latest exploits without having to surf all the way over to the hammer mill every time you want to hear from us. Isn't that considerate of us? No, that's elementary customer service. Arrggh... Loathsome Prick is certainly earning their label this week. Tubey — give me that goddamn hammer so I can knock that pernicious Bluetooth receiver out of my skull. I'll get the freaking water, okay? Tubey!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

R.I.P., uber rich lady atop killer empire

Image
When the queen of England died last week, I felt bad for the 96-year-old human being that she was, a lady about the age of my late mother. I take no joy in the death of anyone, even people I’m not crazy about, so all due condolences to her family who, I hear, are planning a quiet little funeral. Did I say little? I meant large … in fact, six billion pounds worth of funeral. Such is the institution of the British monarchy – still crazy after all these years. No, I’m not a fan of “The Royals”. I watched The Crown on Netflix or whatever, and it was mildly entertaining in a slightly nuanced gossipy kind of way. (They went way too easy on Thatcher and made Robert Kennedy look like a cheap wing man for his wife-beating brother the President.) But generally I avoid T.V. dramas about royalty mostly because it bores the living piss out of me. Then there’s that small matter of imperialism , but let’s try to keep our thoughts positive, eh, what? They’re changing the guard at T...
Read more

All the king’s robots and all the King’s pens

Image
  We got another one of those notes, man. One of those neighbor notes about the uncut lawn. Let’s say they’re a little disappointed in us. I have to admit, I’m disappointed in us, too. We really SHOULD have mowed that lawn, but we were too damn LAZY and SHIFTLESS. (Please share this post with our neighbors so that they will feel validated.) Anyway, here we are in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, no validation in sight … not even for our parking. You know, I think we might be the subject of yet another community effort to rid the neighborhood of ne’er do wells. Frankly, I object to being termed in such a way. I may not always do well, but I certainly sometimes do well. I can’t speak for any of the other members of our entourage, but I for one try to remain on the straight and narrow. (It’s been a bit too narrow lately, though.) Call in the lawn robots Now SOME people I know, and I won’t say who, hire robots to mow their lawn. I’m not super comfortable wi...
Read more

Stop hiding your light under that bushel.

Image
Well, Trump started channeling QAnon in a big way this week at an Ohio rally. I’m assuming anyone who reads this blog knows what QAnon is. It’s basically the blood libel, updated for the modern age. Some idiot posted some random shit on 4chan (which happens basically every second) claiming that s/he is a secret intelligence operative and was spilling tea on upcoming FBI raids on Trump’s political enemies. It was supposed to happen in 48 hours and, of course, it didn’t. That failure, however, didn’t stop the true believers. These people must be total knuckleheads. Who would earnestly believe this crap? Of course, people have a tendency to believe whatever places them in a positive light. Whatever the case may be, QAnon has a lot of followers , and they are apparently laser-focused on the conspiracy theory. Trump is their greasy, corpulent pope. It makes total sense that he would pull those people close – they are the scrum who never left him. What they think they’re...
Read more