Detour guide.

What is this? Another one? And wait... there's one more! Can't you see it there, behind the gaseous cloud formation? Oh, right... that's sFshzenKlyrn. Step aside, will you? I'm trying to make a point here...


Ah, yes... the blogosphere. Nearly forgot. Sorry, friends. I've taken to having Marvin (my personal robot assistant) take dictation on this page, so very often he'll pick up stuff I don't actually want him to transcribe. Sometimes he starts a little early and some times he just fails to exercise common sense. Okay, like now, Marvin. Stop typing for a moment... I've got to use the can. I said stop. Did you type that? Stop, damnit! STOP! Oh, Jesus... never mind. I'll just continue - it's simpler, really. Anyway... I suppose I should explain. I was just commenting to my colleagues on the hitherto undiscovered planet around star 55 Cancri in the constellation Cancer. Damn, just wait until we get news of this back to planet Earth! People in the astronomical community will really sit up and take notice this time.


What's that, Johnny? It's been discovered? Bloody Yahoo headlines! You at least could have left me a few days to savor my imagined triumphant discovery. No matter.


Well, as some of you may already know, planetary pioneers or not, we did pretty well on planet Mars this past week, performing some tunes off of our upcoming album (plug, plug) as well as older numbers from the Big Green songbook. There were a couple of exciting moments, like when our oxygen began to run out. Luckily, we were able to innovate a solution to this most fundamental of dilemmas, even without the help of our too-clever-by-half science advisers, Mitch Macaphee and Trevor James Constable, both of whom remained on earth this time out. Indeed... as the air in our makeshift spacecraft began to grow quite thin, Matt had a flash of inspiration (comes from watching those fan-fiction Star Trek Web videos). He stuffed the man-sized tuber into his terrarium along with a sack of plant food and clicked on the grow lamps. Well, that sucker started pumping out oxygen as fast as we could catch it. WTF - that man-sized tuber has a practical use after all. (Aside from general likeability.)


Okay, so the gigs went okay, though I will admit... no cash changed hands at any time. I for one am chalking that down to our paymasters at Loathsome Prick Records, our corporate label. No doubt payment was made, just not to us. (After we finished playing, somewhere in an office building in New York a computer went "cha-ching!") Someone got paid, that's the important thing. Anyway, we left the red planet and started wandering in the general direction of Earth when one of the Lincolns (can't remember which one, actually) took a particular interest in a small cluster of stars in the mid distance. So he took the controls. That was last night, while the sanest amongst us slept.


Now we're in the general vicinity of Cancri 55, though I can't say exactly how we got here. (I think sFshzenKlyrn knows, but he's not saying.) Hey... what can I say? We'll let you know if there's a Starbucks there.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

R.I.P., uber rich lady atop killer empire

Image
When the queen of England died last week, I felt bad for the 96-year-old human being that she was, a lady about the age of my late mother. I take no joy in the death of anyone, even people I’m not crazy about, so all due condolences to her family who, I hear, are planning a quiet little funeral. Did I say little? I meant large … in fact, six billion pounds worth of funeral. Such is the institution of the British monarchy – still crazy after all these years. No, I’m not a fan of “The Royals”. I watched The Crown on Netflix or whatever, and it was mildly entertaining in a slightly nuanced gossipy kind of way. (They went way too easy on Thatcher and made Robert Kennedy look like a cheap wing man for his wife-beating brother the President.) But generally I avoid T.V. dramas about royalty mostly because it bores the living piss out of me. Then there’s that small matter of imperialism , but let’s try to keep our thoughts positive, eh, what? They’re changing the guard at T...
Read more

All the king’s robots and all the King’s pens

Image
  We got another one of those notes, man. One of those neighbor notes about the uncut lawn. Let’s say they’re a little disappointed in us. I have to admit, I’m disappointed in us, too. We really SHOULD have mowed that lawn, but we were too damn LAZY and SHIFTLESS. (Please share this post with our neighbors so that they will feel validated.) Anyway, here we are in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, no validation in sight … not even for our parking. You know, I think we might be the subject of yet another community effort to rid the neighborhood of ne’er do wells. Frankly, I object to being termed in such a way. I may not always do well, but I certainly sometimes do well. I can’t speak for any of the other members of our entourage, but I for one try to remain on the straight and narrow. (It’s been a bit too narrow lately, though.) Call in the lawn robots Now SOME people I know, and I won’t say who, hire robots to mow their lawn. I’m not super comfortable wi...
Read more

Stop hiding your light under that bushel.

Image
Well, Trump started channeling QAnon in a big way this week at an Ohio rally. I’m assuming anyone who reads this blog knows what QAnon is. It’s basically the blood libel, updated for the modern age. Some idiot posted some random shit on 4chan (which happens basically every second) claiming that s/he is a secret intelligence operative and was spilling tea on upcoming FBI raids on Trump’s political enemies. It was supposed to happen in 48 hours and, of course, it didn’t. That failure, however, didn’t stop the true believers. These people must be total knuckleheads. Who would earnestly believe this crap? Of course, people have a tendency to believe whatever places them in a positive light. Whatever the case may be, QAnon has a lot of followers , and they are apparently laser-focused on the conspiracy theory. Trump is their greasy, corpulent pope. It makes total sense that he would pull those people close – they are the scrum who never left him. What they think they’re...
Read more