Write the colonel.

Hey... did you hear that? Those footsteps outside... the creak of a rusty metal door... the grating sound of a mailbox flag being lifted tentatively upright. That can only mean one thing - mail's in!


What's that you say, Marvin (my personal robot assistant)? No mail? *sigh* No one writes the colonel. Oh, well.... Marvin, check the Web mail. There are always good tidings in there...


Ah, now that's better. Let's just open the old digital mail bag and see what we've got here. Hmmmmm.... this looks like a good one. From a fellow named "Jordon Lex"...



Paris Hilton presentation! This photo is stunning! Only 1 day trial - get this Stunning presentation now!


Jordon Lex, Pornville, Texas



Well, thanks for writing, "Lex". And thanks for the generous offer. Of course, I'm a little slow at answering my Web mail, so the 1-day trial is most certainly past. Very regrettable. Still, we'll keep the Hilton in mind next time we're in Paris. Though I should tell you, it's a little rich for our blood. Truth be told, we live in an abandoned hammer mill and probably couldn't afford a broom closet in the Paris Hilton. But thanks for thinking of us!


Here's another one:



Dear Big Green...


Something's wrong with your new record. I can't hear the fucker. I mean, it doesn't sound like anything. I hit the side of my CD player with a hammer, and that didn't help at all. What's up with this shit?


- Dirk Mahardy, Cleveland



Thanks for your message, Dirk. I've looked into this technical issue and I think I know what the problem is. You see, we haven't released our new record yet, so what you're attempting to listen to is a figment of your imagination. Now, our contract with Loathsome Prick Records indemnifies us against all liabilities associated with "figmental imaginagraphic mis-associations" or "flap-doodle" as it's known in layman's terms. (Are you a layman, Dirk? If so, use the latter term.)


Last but not least, a little missive from this alert listener in Madison, Wisconsin:



To whom it may concern,


This is the third time I have received a bill from Bogart's Grocery for goods that I have never purchased. I'm not sure how I can prove a negative, but I have never been in your store, nor do I intend on ever going there in the future. Stop sending this bill or I will call the police.


- Margaret G. Spilling, Madison, WI



Ho, boy! We're sure sorry for the inconvenience, Margaret! Sure wish we could do something about your little problem. Again, I am forced to refer you to our record contract, which clearly states that we cannot, as an organization, be held responsible for the deeds or misdeeds of organizations that have the same initials as "Big Green." Much as we would like to give you satisfaction, I'm afraid all we can offer is a free mp3 download of your choice at http://www.big-green.net/mp3.htm. Best of luck!


Got a question that needs an answer? Drop us a line or leave a comment. Always good to hear from you. (Okay, Marvin... shut that pain-in-the-ass Web mail down... now!)

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