Still baking.

Avast, me hardies! Full astern. Hoist the mizzen-mast. Lower the, I don't know... gang plank. Do something nautical, for chrissake. We've got some timbers to shiver.


Sound like Treasure Island to you? Hah - if so, you've got a bad memory. Here in Big Green land, we don't know jack about literature. (We don't even know "Jack" about Jack and Jill, quite frankly. Feverishly undereducated lot.) And still we try, oh we try... as needs must. Just attempting to entertain the natives, and they're getting restless, my friends - restless as a slice of capicola on Super Bowl Sunday. That's right... the man-sized tuber's various and assorted relatives are still amongst us - putting down roots, you might say - and they have a healthy appetite for musicals. (Especially ones that feature pirates.) In as much as they now find themselves in a cultural backwater, they must satisfy themselves with our feeble attempts at melodrama. So we're putting on a little production I call "Pirates of the Upper Mohawk Valley". Essentially a collection of ad-libs and made up songs that would only entertain a roomful of root vegetables. Perfect!


Why do we bother with such elaborate efforts? Well, it has to do with resource allocation. Oh, yes - we're thinking conservation here, folks. You see, studies show that root vegetables use considerably less water when they're being entertained. (What studies? I don't freaking know - ask Mitch, he's the scientist!) And we ourselves found that, after a solid ten days of these couch potatoes laying about the mill, the local water table had dropped at least 14 inches. (In as much as it's only about two feet deep to begin with, we obviously had to do something fast.) So it was on with the pirate hats, the peg legs, the eye-patches, the shoulder parrots, and up with the Jolly Roger. (Or the "Jolly Roget," if you want another word for it.)


I'm not certain about this, but I think Marvin (my personal robot assistant) probably makes the most ridiculous pirate I have ever seen. Sure, Lincoln looks stupid. Sure, the tri-corner hat doesn't fit John for shit. Sure, Matt refuses to wear horizontal stripes. But Marvin? He never does anything half way. And I really think he should, sometimes. I mean, these are root vegetables, for chrissake. They can't tell a pirate from a palindrome. (What the hell - even tubey thinks "Long John Silver" spelled backwards is still "Long John Silver".) Why would Marvin ever think he has to put on the whole nine yards? Just a little nod in the buccaneer direction would be enough to satisfy even the most discriminating of these yams. (Come on, Marvin. You're making a total ass of yourself, honestly.)


Anyway, that's the good news. The bad news is, no... the album isn't ready yet. Still in the oven, my friends. But nearly... quite nearly... All will be revealed. Arrrrrrrrrrr....

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