Time out.

Okay, how about peanut butter cups? Yes? Good, good. And Fruit Loops? No? That's weird... because we still have Puffa Puffa Rice...

Oh, hi there, you intrepid Web surfers and lovers of cheap music. Just caught me and my fellow Big Green principals in the midst of an exhaustive inventory of ... well, just about everything you can name, friends. (That's another thing to check.... friends.... ) It's something in the way of a damage assessment. One of our less congenial cohorts (no, not Mitch Macaphee), as some of you may recall, leapt through a warp in the space-time continuum that conveniently presented itself outside the second floor washroom (just across from the north staircase - you can't miss it). Yes, Anti-Lincoln, that scourge of all that is good and nice, antithetical to all that is Lincoln - he threw himself bodily into a worm-hole that sent him spinning back more than a century to... well, to the time of Lincoln. And hell, he being him, he couldn't resist making a few changes while he was back there.

So... we're trying to figure out exactly how he's changed everything we know and love (and despise). That's proving rather difficult, since we're relying on the memory banks of Marvin (my personal robot assistant) rather than trusting our own fallible memories. And on the basis of our work thus far, it seems quite a bit is different. The South, for instance, is its own country. The North, frustrated by losing the south, invaded and occupied Canada. (Critics say it was to steal their maple syrup. Spoiler alert: Cars now run on maple syrup.) People appear to be driving on the left and taking lots of chances. Silly Putty was never invented, nor the Slinky, but the accordion is still a very popular instrument. (Or maybe that's different... hmmm....) And instead of just talking to the people around them, everyone appears to be communicating with distant people via these tiny little communication devices - phones, I guess you would call them - that look like Star Trek communicators. (Okay... that might be the same as before. Now I'm not sure.)

I think the thing that is really disappointing about all this is the total lack of Ramen noodles in this new, Anti-Lincoln contrived reality. Not sure yet how that came to be, but something Anti-Lincoln did back in the 1860s started a chain of events that made the invention of packaged Ramen noodles impossible. In our almost completely cashless state (something that has, sadly, survived intact), we, like many others, depended on the low-cost nutrition afforded by these little bits of cardboard. Now we are reduced to.... well.... little bits of cardboard. (Cardboard does exist. Halle-freaking-luia.) I know what you're thinking: that one of us is going to be tempted to do something rash and irresponsible, like jump into the time warp and apprehend Anti-Lincoln before he causes all this havoc. Well, have no fear.... none of us is insane enough to attempt such a bonehead play. No, sir. That's why they invented the man-sized tuber.

Okay, tubey.... try to remember. Once you're back there, don't talk to anyone but Anti-Lincoln. Got that? Tubey? Right.... he's non-verbal. Mitch - write the instructions on his husk, there's a good chap.