It's been decided.


Well, I'll be a positive particle in a negative universe. Is that really what deutronium costs these days? Outrageous! Don't these mothers know there's a recession going on down here?


Hi, friends. Just caught me going over the list of necessities for our upcoming interstellar tour de force. Here's an item destined to cause trepidation. Radioactive deutronium fuel - $5,600.00 per pint bottle. Jesus H. Christmas. I guess prices on Aldebaran have been anything but stable over the past year. (The Aldebarans were heavy investors in Bear Stearns, rumor has it.) Not sure why they need to earn it back off of our asses, but there you have it. Anyway, it's on the list because, as you may have surmised, Big Green has indeed secured transport for our tour. I'm glad to be the one to tell you that it will not be one of those Korean missiles. No sir, this is a proper space vehicle. Or so we're told.


Fact is, we took Matt's advice and called the guy in Jersey about that J-2 spacecraft old Irwin Allen dreamed up. He was more than happy to oblige - pretty broad minded of him, considering the mess we made of that vehicle when we leased it a few years back. Some of you remember - crashing on a desert isle, modifying it for a seafaring voyage, etc., etc. It was a bit worse for wear when we got back, needless to say. I suppose if they had a rating system for spacecraft renters, we'd probably only get one star. Even Marvin (my personal robot assistant) felt a bit embarrassed by our rank carelessness with another person's property. (This was all the more remarkable since embarrassment hadn't been programmed into Marvin by that point - Mitch Macaphee had, in fact, programmed it out and replaced it with joy.... yes, unbridled JOY.)


Ahem. Of course, there are other things on this list. Things like guitars, amps, drums, etc. And some other little things we call songs. That's right - we don't merely perform our compositions, we carry them around in plastic tubs. Some of them - like the Quality Lincoln trilogy - are a bit heavier than the others. That's just a question of relative mass, you see. More song = more mass. And by the transitive property of musical heaviness, the heaviest songs are most likely to have the biggest impact. It's like throwing a hammer at a wall. If it's one of those little featherweight rubber hammers that come in a child's carpentry set, the wall won't mind at all. But if it's a big old drop-forge hammer of the kind that used to be made at the Cheney Hammer Mill, well.... that wall will duck if it's got the sense the god of walls gave it. I mean, hell... wouldn't you? Think about it.


Well... I've wandered a bit. Better get back to my listing. Hey, man-sized tuber! How many bags of those cedar chips do you need for eight weeks or so? How many? Cheese and onions.... this is going to cost the earth. Get back to loading those songs, hey will you?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

R.I.P., uber rich lady atop killer empire

Image
When the queen of England died last week, I felt bad for the 96-year-old human being that she was, a lady about the age of my late mother. I take no joy in the death of anyone, even people I’m not crazy about, so all due condolences to her family who, I hear, are planning a quiet little funeral. Did I say little? I meant large … in fact, six billion pounds worth of funeral. Such is the institution of the British monarchy – still crazy after all these years. No, I’m not a fan of “The Royals”. I watched The Crown on Netflix or whatever, and it was mildly entertaining in a slightly nuanced gossipy kind of way. (They went way too easy on Thatcher and made Robert Kennedy look like a cheap wing man for his wife-beating brother the President.) But generally I avoid T.V. dramas about royalty mostly because it bores the living piss out of me. Then there’s that small matter of imperialism , but let’s try to keep our thoughts positive, eh, what? They’re changing the guard at T...
Read more

All the king’s robots and all the King’s pens

Image
  We got another one of those notes, man. One of those neighbor notes about the uncut lawn. Let’s say they’re a little disappointed in us. I have to admit, I’m disappointed in us, too. We really SHOULD have mowed that lawn, but we were too damn LAZY and SHIFTLESS. (Please share this post with our neighbors so that they will feel validated.) Anyway, here we are in the abandoned Cheney Hammer Mill, no validation in sight … not even for our parking. You know, I think we might be the subject of yet another community effort to rid the neighborhood of ne’er do wells. Frankly, I object to being termed in such a way. I may not always do well, but I certainly sometimes do well. I can’t speak for any of the other members of our entourage, but I for one try to remain on the straight and narrow. (It’s been a bit too narrow lately, though.) Call in the lawn robots Now SOME people I know, and I won’t say who, hire robots to mow their lawn. I’m not super comfortable wi...
Read more

Stop hiding your light under that bushel.

Image
Well, Trump started channeling QAnon in a big way this week at an Ohio rally. I’m assuming anyone who reads this blog knows what QAnon is. It’s basically the blood libel, updated for the modern age. Some idiot posted some random shit on 4chan (which happens basically every second) claiming that s/he is a secret intelligence operative and was spilling tea on upcoming FBI raids on Trump’s political enemies. It was supposed to happen in 48 hours and, of course, it didn’t. That failure, however, didn’t stop the true believers. These people must be total knuckleheads. Who would earnestly believe this crap? Of course, people have a tendency to believe whatever places them in a positive light. Whatever the case may be, QAnon has a lot of followers , and they are apparently laser-focused on the conspiracy theory. Trump is their greasy, corpulent pope. It makes total sense that he would pull those people close – they are the scrum who never left him. What they think they’re...
Read more