All stop.


No WPIX? That's odd. Okay, then. Try WRVO in upstate New York. Nothing? Well.... that may not mean anything. Still.... you'd think there'd at least be static.

Hello, friends of Big Green. Now, I'd like to be able to tell you that we managed to break out of the strange inter-temporal space warp we zagged our way into a couple of weeks ago. (Has it been a couple of weeks? Bobbing through a time warp, I tend to lose track of time.) And I'd like to be able to tell you that we flew our way over to Neptune for a string of highly successful and lucrative - yes, LUCRATIVE - performances to adoring crowds of seven-legged leviathans from the nether reaches of our solar system. I mean, what band wouldn't like to be able to tell you that? (Can't think of a single one.) Alas, it was not the case. Yes, we did emerge from the time warp... but apparently not in the right place at all. (I just hope sFszhenKlyrn is having a good time in our absence, playing those cushy gigs and collecting all that cool, cool, money. Sonuvabitch.)

Okay, so we come out of this weird-o space void, right, and we're someplace that looks kind of familiar: general vicinity of planet Earth. You know, the 'hood for us Earthlings, right? Only something's funny.... very funny. No satellites. No space junk. No television signals. This was strange. Another thing, too - we could clearly see the city of Los Angeles from an orbit of 150 miles. That's totally not right. (Aside from the fact that it was little more than a Spanish mission church with some stables and a well.) Even Marvin (my personal robot assistant) communicated through his aldis lamp light-flashing code something that roughly translates to: "This is totally freaking me out, man."

Hey, look... we've been in tight spots before, we of Big Green. (And no, I'm not talking about some spandex-wearing 80's hair-band permutation of the group). We've gone back in time, forward in time, even sideways in time. But this is different. I mean, okay... if we saw, say, Genghis Khan signing the Magna Carta (think back to your elementary school history, boys and girls), that would be unnerving enough. However, Genghis Khan riding a moped across the newly-completed intercontinental railroad as he signs the Magna Carta - that's just wrong in so many ways. (Take that, Hammermill Days graphic arts department, a.k.a. man-sized tuber!) And yet there he is, before our very eyes. How can it be? Well... the nearest we can determine, Mitch Macaphee's reckless driving has thrown us into the equivalent of a "time blender" - as if the monumental forces of time and space are rendering history itself into a multi-temporal smoothie. Drink deep, friends.

So, we'll be putting down on this bizarr-o planet Earth to get our bearings. My guess is that we'll see, oh I don't know, dinosaurs wrestling with ocean liners as volcanoes spout renaissance paintings. (Take that, Tubey! HA-HA!)

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